Choke Me, Clown Daddy: Exploring Pennywise Smut

by Max Booth III


I’ve been thinking a lot about having sex with Pennywise lately, and I’m not the only one. Believe it or not, but there are hordes of folks out there thirsty for that special clown daddy we all know and love. And, considering you’re reading this on the Internet, I don’t know why you wouldn’t believe it, unless today marks your first visit to the world wide web, and somehow this article happened to be the first thing you clicked on. If that’s the case—hey, welcome. I’m glad to be of service.

Listen, this article is going to contain the kind of language you’d probably prefer a coworker didn’t read over your shoulder. Fair warning. I mean, you did read the title, right?

Now, back to Pennywise: would you fuck him? Of course you would. It’d be more weird if you wouldn’t, don’t you think? No? Oh.

For the record, we’re talking about the version of Pennywise from the recent film adaptation, so before you start pushing up your glasses and typing, “Actually, Pennywise is female because she can lay eggs!” in the comments, please, just…go outside and do absolutely anything that doesn’t involve correcting an article about making sweet, beautiful love to an interdimensional clown monster. It’s not news that folks sometimes fantasize about banging monsters and clowns, but monsters that are also clowns?

We truly live in a wonderful time, if you can ignore all the mass-shootings and racism and, just like, the President of the United States and stuff.

Walking out of the theater after our viewing of IT: Chapter One, my girlfriend’s teenage daughter said, “It’s a shame Pennywise is so hot.” We all laughed, but mere hours later, I found my Twitter feed drowning in extremely graphic “Pennywise smut.” The source? Tumblr, of fucking course. Any time something weird and sexual gains notoriety, it’s a safe bet Tumblr’s at least somewhat responsible. Specifically the page “Pennywise Confessions” which allows users to anonymously send in their darkest desires concerning Mr. Bob Gray (HOLY SHIT FIFTY SHADES OF BOB GRAY HOLY SHIT). The confessions are then reposted to the page over random images of Bill Skarsgard in clown makeup. Some people have even started “shipping’ Pennywise and The Babadook. Their two most popular couple names are “Babawise” and “Pennydook” which are just gosh darn adorable. Why isn’t this already a rom-com?

There is no way to describe to you how wonderful these smut confessions are without simply showing them to you, so…that’s exactly what we’re going to do. Enjoy.

Are you still here? Holy shit, wow, okay. Well, I don’t know about you, but after reading all of these confessions I am left with dozens of questions. The more I think about having relations with this clown daddy, the stronger my headache gets. I don’t know where else to ask these questions so I’m just going to burden Dark Moon Digest’s readership with them all.

Immediately I need to know the following:

  • Can Pennywise only orgasm if I’m afraid?
  • Does Pennywise stay a clown the whole time he’s fucking or does he transform into his partner’s greatest fear? If I’m afraid of frogs, is he going to be a frog while he penetrates me?
  • Is it normal to be afraid of frogs?
  • Does Pennywise’s nose beep?
  • Is Pennywise ever interested in relationships or is he strictly only after sex?
  • Can Pennywise procreate?
  • Has he procreated?
  • Is Pennywise a good parent?
  • Does Pennywise have parents?
  • What the fuck do they look like?
  • What does Pennywise’s dick look like?
  • What does a Pennywise orgasm look like?
  • Does his lazy eye lose focus in the heat of the moment?
  • Does he…does he do the laugh? When he comes. Does he do the laugh. Yes or no.

And those are just the ones off the top of my head. Give me another week and I’ll have a hundred more. I’m convinced I ought to just give up and follow my destiny and start writing my own Pennywise smut.

What do you think? Maybe once a month I’ll start sending an original Pennywise erotica to all of our patrons, but also maybe not.


 

Max Booth III is the co-founder and Editor-in-Chief of Perpetual Motion Machine and the Managing Editor of Dark Moon Digest. He co-hosts the podcast Castle Rock Radio with his partner, Lori Michelle, and writes online for LitReactor and Gamut. He’s written some novels, too. Follow him on Twitter @GiveMeYourTeeth.